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It's That Time of the Month?

If you have/had ovaries, chances are, you’ve had a period. I have some great tips on how I survive my 5-7 days of hell on Earth, every fucking month. So, let’s talk about it.

I remember hearing the perfect analogy for a period. I take no credit for this, but it goes a little something like this, “Your husband (ovaries/hormones) spent almost a month (menstrual cycle) fixing the baby’s room (womb). He painted the walls, built the crib, set up the changing table and worked very hard to create the perfect environment for your baby. He finishes the room and waits patiently for you to come home with the baby. You come home and break the news, ‘Honey, I’m sorry we’re not having a baby’. HE. FLIPS. HIS. SHIT. ‘What do you mean, we’re not having a baby!?’ He breaks the crib, tosses the changing table, guts the floors, and ruins the room. You both hold each other crying and when it’s over he tells you, 'Its ok baby, we’ll try again' and he starts cleaning up and creates a new room for the baby". That pretty much sums up a period..

There are normal and abnormal periods as well as a few horror stories I can share but I’ll save that for another post. The first 2-3 days of my period are my worst days. I bleed the heaviest, I’m PMSing, and overall, in a shit ton of pain so I usually do a combo of these things a day before my period comes and continue the first 3 days.

  • I take both acetaminophen and ibuprofen. Yes, you can safely take acetaminophen and ibuprofen together. However, I am not your doctor so please consult with your physician. I take 650mg of Tylenol and 200-600mg of Motrin every 6hrs. I do not exceed the highest does which is 4g for Tylenol and 2.4g for Motrin.

  • I reduce my caffeine intake (probably the hardest thing because I love coffee). Caffeine is vasoconstrictor, meaning it can make the blood vessels narrower (which are present in the uterus), slowing the flow of blood in the body. This can make cramps 10x worse and caffeine can also cause inflammation and bloating.

  • I only use tampons if it’s necessary. I honestly hate tampons. It feels like little penises. In women with low cervix, such as myself, it can cause more cramping and pain. Also, the risk of toxic shock syndrome scares the shit out of me.

  • Speaking of shits, I get what I call “period shits” where I take a few loose dumps a day. Ibuprofen helps with this! It’s an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-flammatory drug) which *ahem* helps control inflammation in the uterus and bowels.

  • I use my heating pad religiously. Alone, its useless but in combination with my other tips, it’s a God sent. Heat therapy works as a vasodilator by relaxing the muscles in the uterus, increasing blood flow and easing pain.

  • Again, I’m a heavy bleeder. To the point where I sleep in certain position just to keep the spillage contained. That is until I found these bad boys…

When I tell you these are AMAZING, I fucking mean it! I was a little shocked at first (what in the fucking diaper is this?) but that first night when I used it, I slept in pure bliss knowing that my sheets were safe. I'm talking legs spread open and all. I bought a 4pk at Walmart for less than $5. At my local CVS, the 7 pk was almost $11 (I hate it here). They come in different sizes but all pack the same punch. It suppose to be like 5 pads in one and I believe it. I highly recommend it.

  • Lastly, I eat wtf I want. I’m irritable, annoyed, in pain, have blood seeping out of my fucking vagina I couldn't care less about calories. If I’m in the mood for Haagen Daz chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, that’s what I’m going to eat.

Let me know in the comments your tips and tricks on how you survive the consequences of Eve's actions.

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