Thank God for anonymity, because what I’m about to tell y’all is some embarrassing shit. I could just take this to the grave, but I need somebody to know my story without knowing me.
Last Friday night, I went out on a blind date as a favor for a friend. Already starting off on the wrong foot. We end up going to this Vietnamese restaurant in the Bronx. Even though I wasn’t interested, he was super sweet and nervous, so I decided to be friendly enough where he had a good time BUT not too friendly where he thought he was coming home with me. We did have a good time for the most part. I ordered lemongrass beef chile my uncultured ass thought it was gonna be like lemon pepper wings. Why? IDK. I don’t do too well with spicy food and this shit was HOT.
By the third bite, I was sweating like a sinner in church. Legit to the point he asked me if I was ok. I’m smiling like “yea it’s just a little spicy” trying not to regurgitate hell. Halfway through I’m like ok this is good enough I’ll take it in doggy bag and toss that bitch when I get home. All of sudden, my stomach start bubbling like mutha fucka. I’m talking all types blurrr and bubbbs. I excuse myself and head to the restroom y’all I didn’t make it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I farted and straight shitted on myself. I can’t make this shit up. I tried to squeeze my butt cheeks together, but it didn’t work. I took a shit on myself in the middle of a semi packed restaurant. I ran to the bathroom finished up, I tossed my underwear, but still had the smell of shit in my jeans. And since it was spicy was asshole was on fire! I did what I had to and left him sitting in the restaurant. I couldn't tell him.