Shrek Should Be Rated R

It's movie night, we decided to watch Shrek and it’s been a while since I watched it, so I thought it was a good pick. OH M GEE… there were tons of adult themed humor that I didn’t realize before. I legit re-watched it again pausing and replaying scenes, sitting here like WTF? Who OK’d this shit?? I mean to be honest, I thought it was funny but that’s not the point.

What a load of, what? Crap? Shit? Bullshit?

Shrek is reading a story about the knight saving the princess from a dragon guarded castle, “she waited in the dragon’s keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love’s first kiss.” Shrek laughs and proceeds to tear the page off the book for toilet paper, “Yeaa like that’s ever gonna happen. What a load of…” scene ends with him flushing the toilet in an outhouse. It’s really nothing though. Disney had worse.

Dead Prostitute

At this point, the fairy tale creatures are kicked out the land and end up at Shrek’s swamp. The seven dwarves place Snow White on the table and here’s Shrek, “Oh no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.” Like what? Yes, he may not have used bitch but calling a woman a “broad” is not a vocabulary kids should know. Broad was used as a derogatory term to signify prostitutes or “immoral” woman. We all know Snow White was living with seven men before meeting prince charming…. So, what are you trying to say Shrek?

Eat Me!

Fast forward, now we’re at Lord Farquaad’s castle where they’re torturing the gingerbread man into confessing where the fairy tales creatures went. Lord Farquaad says, “You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?” The gingerbread man replies, “Eat me!” then proceeds to spit in his face. WOAH! We all know what “eat me” means. It’s either one of two meanings: please perform cunnilingus on me or fuck off.

Snow White’s Platonic Friends

In The Dating Game/Bachelorette scene, the Magic Mirror starts listing eligible princesses for Lord Farquaad to marry and become king. The Magic Mirror introduces Snow White, “although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.” Again, with the whore jokes?

Lord Farquaad’s Castle is a Bit… Big

Donkey and Shrek made it to Lord Farquaad’s castle and C’MON! It’s a phallus shaped building. Can’t be any more blatant than that. Shrek makes a joke “Do you think maybe he’s compensating for something?” Wow. Straight shooter.

Duloc’s Theme Song

Not even 5 mins after the phallus fiasco, comes another dirty joke. Literally. The toys sing, “Please keep off the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…” the toys then turn around and bend over *pause for dramatic effects* “face”. What they wanted say was ass.

Damn

Ok so this may not be that serious, but they say “damn” a few times in the movie like in the song when Shrek wrestles Lord Farquaad’s men or when Donkey says, “Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.” I don’t know about y’all, but I could not use the word damn growing up unless I was referring to a wall built to hold water back.

Donkey AKA Ass

After Shrek saves Fiona, he goes back to save Donkey from Dragon. He’s dragging her downstairs when Fiona tells him the exit is that way and he responds, “Well, I have to save my ass.” Very subtle.

Dragon’s in Heat

I was a little shocked with this one because I almost missed it. Clearly, you can hear Donkey noncompliance to physical touch but if you decide to re-watch Shrek you have to closely pay attention to the scene where Dragon has Donkey and Shrek’s swoops in. You see Dragon’s head go down and hear Donkey say, “Hey, hey, don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail.” Ok so Dragon was giving Donkey a blow job. Got it.

Boner (IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE READ THIS PART)

THIS PART IS FUCKING INSANE. After Shrek and the gang set up camp the scene fades to Lord Farquaad’s room where he’s shirtless in bed underneath covers. He then tells the noticeably uncomfortable Magic Mirror to “show me the princess”. He takes a sip of his martini, “Ah! Perfect” and in just that quick moment he gets an erection! You can see the blanket rise which he then moves the blanket up and looks away in embarrassment. This is it. This is probably the craziest scene for a CHILDREN’S movie. I was shocked for Dragon’s hinted BJ but this takes the cake. This wasn’t even the least bit subtle. He was getting a boner. I’m flabbergasted.

Donkey’s Wet Dream

Ok so after singing a bird to death and frying her children for breakfast, Donkey mumbles in his sleep, “Yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.” I like those kinds of dreams too, Donkey.

Monsieur Hood Likes to Get… Paid

Here’s another song. This is the scene where French Robin Hood tries to save Fiona and breaks out into a musical number. Monsieur Hood sings, “I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid”, then his men huddle and sings softly, “What he’s basically saying is He likes to get...” and Monsieur Hood interrupts them and says “Paid”. If you couldn’t figure it out, they wanted to say laid. Monsieur Hood likes to get laid. Also, I’m pretty sure one his men wanted to call Fiona a bitch when she went all Matrix mode.

Last Thing on Shrek’s Mind

This one is hidden but there are implications. When Fiona sends Donkey away so she could pull the arrow out of Shrek’s ass cheek, Donkey comes back to find them in an awkward position. Donkey says, “Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?” Shrek then says, “Oh come on! That’s the last thing on my mind.” What’s that Shrek? Sex is the last thing on your mind? What a broad.

Ok so after searching the internet here’s what I missed:

• If you take the “r” out of Lord Farquaad it’s pronounced Fuckwad. LOL. Gold.

• This one is dark. So, in the beginning when the fairy tale characters were being captured, you see Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear in cages and Mama Bear has a pink bow on her head that distinguishes her. Fast forwarded to the fairy tales on Shrek’s swamp, Papa Bear and Baby Bear are crying on the bench. Fast forwarded some more right before Lord Farquaad’s boner session and you see Mama Bear and her pink bow on the floor as a rug… Like wow. Fucking twisted especially for a kid’s movie.